The Retarded Show
by Miss Hajimemashite
Summary: Elisa lives in a fictional country. She has a family who hates her and her BFF is a junkie. And she's not even 16 yet. Rejoice! Enjoy XD wrote this ages ago :P
1. Prologue

**The Pre-thing…**

Shit happens. Like my half-bro's existence. Oh well. I'm Elisa and this is my sham of a life. My mum hates me, my step-dad/pedo bastard hates me, my half-bro evidently hates me, my twin slut hates me… pretty much everybody in this hellhole of a house hates me apart from my always awesome step-bro Jack. And also Scrubadubdubthreemeninatub (aka Scrubbi) the cat. Aside those 2, the whole family is against me. Even Arnaud's dog Cheesyfeet hates me. Jack is awesome and he's actually liked. Jealousy…

At school I have 2 friends: Jack (duh) and Meryl (bff since preschool). Even teachers hate me. Like Ms Crosenwell, my Maths teacher. She is the definition of tight-faced bitch. She has something against me because of my opinion about algebra (uselessssssssss). Biased bitch.

So this is me – The Incredible Unlucky Shambles Of A Person Who Is A Waste Of Existence. Sigh.


	2. Chapter Uno XD

**Chapter Uno XD**

**2/1/00**

Jesus. I'm 16 this year. Yaaaaaaay! Stell's being a bitch. My incredibly slutty twin sis. Why me? She is sooooo moody because Damian isn't talking to her. She did cheat on him, what does she expect? She did it with Nyochok Vyakontak in 10D at the New Year Party. Damian's happy new millennium= finding Stell and Nyochok doing a 69er. Stell's happy new millennium= doing a 69er with Nyochok. Mine, Jack's and Meryl's happy new millennium= taking ketamine behind Ianorchii Ikalahi's house. Never. Again. Ketamine is awful. And I hate hallucinations. We then passed out and woke up on top of eachother at 2pm. Nobody will EVER find out that I ended 1999 being chased by a giant cat with red eyes and 8 hairy legs. Ever.

On the plus side, Meryl didn't use ketamine. No. There is a catch though. She used coke. She had to wipe all the powder from her nostrils when she woke up. Jack blames himself for us all passing out. I don't remember much after about 11pm on New Years Eve but when I saw the leftover tablets and powder when I woke up I knew what had happened. The shame.

**4/1/00**

I'm starting to get worried about Meryl. I know she's been using coke a bit since last October but now she's using nearly every day. She denies it but I think she might be addicted. Jack feels the same. Meryl and me have been friends since we were 2 but now she's drifting away gradually. She's made friends with some other users. I don't want to lose her as a friend because of cocaine. I really don't.

But at least mum's mad at Stell over the whole 'New Year Party' fiasco. Mum wants me to be more like Stell – intelligent, beautiful and slutty. But now Stell's let mum down because mum wants her to be a perfect role model to me. Bitches. Arnaud keeps coming into my room too. Sneaky bastard.

Kikraprechiny looks so nice from the city, but it's a shithole in reality. Drug dealers, burglars and hobos are all too common here. I live in northern Kikraprechiny, in the far stretches of the metropolitan area, which is better than southern Kikraprechiny. I live on Kyatyara Avenue. The nicest area in Kikraprechiny Subdivision is probably Dyaklanyka Avenue, about a kilometre west from here. The catch is that the majority of people there are Nativists - i.e. they refuse to speak English, only Chanakian – as it is part of a small Chanakian Nativist community. Another nicer place is Zyanotoka Avenue, about 200 metres south east from my house. A lot of people there speak English and Meryl lives there.

I was born in America but I moved to Dobrato when I was 7, to live with my idiot stepfather and Jack. I've been here about 8 years now – I'm proud. Arnaud arrived 2 and a half years ago and I have managed to endure it for this long! I need to celebrate. I'm happy.

**10/1/00**

Mother. Effing. Slut. Stell found some ketamine in my bag. Shit! I must have put some in my bag! WTF was she doing in my stuff anyway? Nosey bitch. She told mum and now everybody will know that I celebrated the New Year high on ketamine. I have been grounded until next month and mum's going to tell my principal when I go back to school tomorrow.

Warned Meryl. Jack already knows. He's fessed up too so we share the blame. Do not mention Meryl. We don't want her in trouble too. Jack's in my room with me talking to me about rigging the big school football match next week. He wants to put oil on the pitch so the jocks slip up everywhere and the cheerleaders (Stell etc.) start squealing very annoyingly. The match will be ruined hopefully and the popular kids will feel smaller than a maggot. Yay!

**12/1/00**

Principal Vyatoka called for me and Jack second lesson yesterday. Meryl wanted us to tell him about her involvement when we got there. Me and Jack waited forever before we were called in. Principal Vyatoka had his 'stern look' which made him look like a dork. Forgive us, we burst into hysterics like we do every time he does the 'stern look'. His face got even dorkier and he said in his 'trying-to-sound-posh-English-but-with-Chanakian-accent' voice, "I dough not know yacht is so vunny, Mr Tie-rell and Miss Chernan. Take a sit." Lol.

He told us what we had done was 'very seri-yos' and then sent for 'Meryal Vyaan-Earth'. I know a Meryl Farnworth but I don't know any Meryal Vyaan-Earths. Chanakian accents can never be as stupid as this 'Queen's English/Chanakian' accent of Principal Vyatoka. He told us all that we were 'kettink a vik's day-tense-yon for an oar avter skoll' and that we should 'be feelink very sorry for oar-selves' and 'ish-aynd at oar ak-chons'. Trying to fake a posh accent = fail.

Skipped lessons 3, 4 and 5 to go to Kessaville Park. Changed into our normal clothes in the PE storeroom then sneaked out. Works every time. We went to Kikraprechiny North underground train station for a train on the Red line to Kessaville Park. After 15 minutes we reached our destination.

Meryl immediately took us to an alleyway where she got a bag out with powder in. She asked me and Jack if we wanted a line. We said yes. Then we went out and got bladdered. Can't remember much after that. We just woke up in Inkalina Police Station the next day. Apparently we got high on coke, got pissed, then when we started to come down we took E, exposed ourselves to bartenders and I tried to take a police officer's clothes off when he came to arrest me for indecent exposure. Mum had to bail us out for CH200 each. I have been grounded until March now. She thinks I'm an addict too. I only use at parties and when I feel like it. I don't depend on it. Nevertheless, I've been forced to go to therapy sessions with Jack.

**28/1/00**

No more therapy sessions. I'm not a junkie! I just use socially and at raves. It's normal! Meryl's the addict! She's nearly always high on coke! I refuse to listen to mum anymore. Or Pierre. Or Stell. Definitely not Arnaud. Jack's the only sane one around here! Grrrr!

**2/2/00**

Mum's not speaking to me. Peace at last! Neither is Stell. I'm in heaven! Pierre keeps calling me a waste of space. I punched him! Arnaud keeps coming into my room. I gagged him and locked him in the stairs cupboard! Epic win!

**13/2/00**

Me and Jack sneaked out. We're meeting up with Meryl and going to the Industrial District to a rave. I must climb out of my window and down the drainpipe more often!

**15/2/00**

Still in Industrial District. Took heroin with Jack and Meryl. Can't remember much but me and Jack were for some reason naked and our clothes were tied to Meryl's arms. There were hypodermic needles everywhere. And I swore I'd never take heroin ever again!

**21/2/00**

Home not sweet home. Mum tried to ground me until April but she realized that I can just sneak out so she gave up and released my state of groundedness. Flawless. Effing. Victory. Oh I love my life sometimes. Stell's told everyone at school I'm a junkie. Bitch. I wanna get some heroin now.

**25/2/00**

Need. Heroin. Before. I. Die!

Oh shit! This headache is killing me!

**28/2/00**

Therapy. Sessions. Are. Boring.

**3/3/00**

Oh dear God. I've realized. Heroin is addictive. I need therapy sessions. I'm gonna quit baby!

**17/3/00**

Couldn't be arsed to write for ages. I'm off! Well, almost. Meryl's totally off on one. She won't even look at me and I swear she called me a 'frigid bitch' under her breath yesterday. Dyana Yatrokya is definitely a bad influence on her. Dyana the Drug Dealer Bitch.

Stell's friend are bitches too, but not as bitchy as Stell herself. Especially her right hand (wo)man Savanna Hart-Nykrochto. I was friends with her in preschool but then Stell got slutty and Savanna wanted to get in on it.

Jack is really pissed off with Meryl. He's gonna snap soon and go all crazy on her. I wish she wasn't an addict and I at least wish she'd realize that she's addicted. She isn't like she used to be. She's turning into a bitch.


	3. Chapter 2 lol

**Chapter 2 :)**

**23/3/00**

Holy shit that fucking hobag bitch can go die for all I care! Yeah Meryl I'm talking to you! Fucking bitch thinks she can fucking manipulate me? I ain't giving you no fucking drug money bitch! Neither is Jack because he wants to blow your fucking brains out! Fucking 16 year old druggie!

Sorry about that… She has some effing nerve coming up to me and Jack and trying to bribe us into giving her money for heroin. I feel a bit tired. I'm coming down with something I think. Felt tired all day and I had lots of sleep too.

**30/3/00**

Something's wrong. Felt tired all week. Now I'm throwing up. Withdrawal symptoms? No, I've not used for about a month. Might have a bug or something. Hang on…

At a lot of raves recently I woke up naked… I shared needles… OMG I think I have HIV! Mother effing shit!

**1/4/00**

Elisa, it is time to panic. NOT! I just have a cold.

**5/4/00**

Consulted Jack for advice on my cold. He told me to have some Lemsip and then go in my bed and cry.

Just remembered something… I think me and Jack did it that time when our clothes were tied to That Bitch. I feel so awkward now.

**9/4/00**

Told Jack about my suspicions. He remembered more of that night than me. We did do it. Me. And. Jack. OMFG! Holy effing fuck!

**12/4/00**

Guess what? Stell's keeping a secret. I can tell. She's really shifty. Ha. Bitch.

**14/4/00**

What the crap? Stell is being unusually nice to me. OMFGWTFBBQ? Am I supposed to be nice back? Be suspicious? Is she after a favour? I'm confused.

**27/4/00**

OMFGWTF? She's pregnant. Stell is pregnant. We have built a truce. She told everyone with me at her side. She's due mid November. Mum's more pissed off that we made up than that Stell's pregnant.

**18/6/00**

14 today! I love my presents! New jeans, a dress (:0) and a mobile phone! Jack is a hero too! He organised this huge party/meal thingy and it was OMG! I loved it! Stell says if she was still with Damian she'd keep her baby.

**3/7/00**

Jesus Stell's huge. Went into central Dobrato today to get her scanned. She's about 20 weeks, not sure exactly, I'm dumb. It's a girl. We 'discussed' names (meaning argued). Stell's calling her Jennifer. Decided.

On the way home me and Stell went to Kessaville Park. We saw Ynyachya Rainer from infant school. She said hi and then went over to her parents. We also decided to have a picnic. We had a KFC bucket and a Twix each for dessert. Eating for 2 is hard and expensive work.

**10/7/00**

Oh my God. Meryl had a serious overdose. She's in intensive care. I hate her but I'm upset about her at the same time. Her new friends don't give two shades of shit about her. I went to see her and she has tubes on her. She almost died. She's in a coma.

**12/7/00**

No change.

**13/7/00**

She woke up and first thing she said was:

"I thought we hated each other bitch. Where's the dealer?"

Some people don't change.

Her parents are sending her to rehab to clean up.

**21/7/00**

Jack told me something important today. His mum died last month. That's why he's been quiet lately. I knew she was ill, but she's dead? He always said she was strong. She'd been ill for about a year. Jack said she had leukaemia. He's really upset about it.

**29/7/00**

God help us all. It's mum and Pierre's 8 year anniversary. And he effing proposed! Shit!

**3/8/00**

Got over the shock of the anniversary saga. Just. I am so unlucky. Jack's feeling better today. Meryl called and apologised for the whole Dyana Yatrokya the Heroin Addict/Dealer debacle. She's almost back to her normal self. Almost. She's still in rehab.

**17/8/00**

Meryl is a free woman! We went to Diorcha Strip to do some serious clothes shopping with Stell. Meryl's still a bit wary of Stell but they're getting along well. Stell's friends want nothing to do with her. Bitches.

**5/9/00**

Supposed to be going back to school today but Stell's on maternity leave until January. Jack still has to go though – fail! He doesn't want to bunk off with me.

Stell wishes she could keep Jennifer. She can't raise a baby though. We're too young and we're broke. Mum hasn't spoken to us since June. Not that I noticed or anything. She's too wrapped up in Pierre and Arnaud, her replacement family. I'm not her daughter anymore. Neither is Stell. Good riddance mum, you effing bitch.

**12/9/00**

I wish I went to school now. Jack says that there was a huge fight and Principal Vyatoka got his ass whipped. Damian and Nyochok still have a grudge over Stell. Jesus get over yourselves. Damian informed Principal Vyatoka of the 'Queen's English/Chanakian' accent mix and how everybody laughs at it. Apparently he wants out. He probably wants to torment another school with that cursed accent.

**21/9/00**

I love Stell! She is a legend! She has introduced me and Meryl to dresses! We love them! I want more dresses! Meryl has changed since her stint in rehab. She's kinder and more open to suggestion. A year ago she wouldn't even look at a dress. Now Stell's introduced her to them and she loves them!

**28/9/00**

I wish this baby would just pop out of Stell!

**13/10/00**

Been so busy preparing for the birth I've done literally nothing else.

**28/10/00**

Stell's gone into labour!

**29/10/00**

Exhausted.

Jennifer is here! She arrived a 2:32am today! Weighing 7lbs 3 ounces.

**3/11/00**

Jesus. Time goes by soooooo quickly.

**15/11/00**

Tomorrow Jenni is going. Sob.

**16/11/00**

Jennifer Meryl Sherman.

Born on 29th October 2000 at 3:23am.

Weighing 7lbs 3 ounces.

I'll miss her. Not as much as Stell. Stupid bitch has bonded with her. Duh? I told her not to. I'm trying to bring myself to take her because I promised Stell I would if she couldn't.

**17/11/00**

It was so hard putting Jenni in the orphanage. Her face will stay in my head forever. I have to get over it though. It'll be harder for Stell. I had to coax Jenni away from her and take her myself. It was difficult. I'll miss her lots.

**25/12/00**

Christmas time. Mistletoe and wine. WTF? Stell's still sulking. Jack's being nuts. Meryl's different. Mum's blanking me. Pierre the molester's glaring. Woo fucking hoo. Happy Christmas bitches! I wish I was with Jenni. I wonder if she's been adopted yet.

**31/12/00**

A year. A year since I started doing this blog thing. Teh Retarded Show… happy birthday! Happy New Year!

**1/1/01**

Happy New Year! I'm going on hiatus, sorry. My computer is busted and I'm on Meryl's computer. I'll be back hopefully before next year because I have to save up for a new computer. I've got CH852 to go until I can afford this sweet computer I want. Bye for now lol! Elisa xxx


	4. Chapter Threeeeeeeeeeeeee

**Chapter 3 (lol)**

**26/3/02**

OMG I am soooo sorry! It took longer than I thought to save up! Catch up:

Estelle is engaged to Adam Chryotna.

They are getting married in July.

They met last year at Pizza Hut.

Meryl relapsed a week after my last post and had to go back to rehab.

She's better now.

She's got a fiancée called Robert.

Jack has done nothing really worth mentioning other than got straight A's in his final exams.

I had boyfriend.

He's called Johnny.

He goes to college with me.

We'd been together for 4 months but he cheated on me.

He's from Manchester in England.

He lives in Tryocha.

Mum and Pierre divorced 6 weeks after marrying.

Pierre is now with a 18 year old model.

Mum is moodier than ever before.

Now you're up to speed, enjoy my life!

**2/4/02**

Ohalika (my work buddy in Chemistry) is in a dilemma – her dad is in Shirobia and asked her to visit him, but she's broke and her mum doesn't want her to see her dad. She taught me how to swear in Shirobian:

Fuck = Vihukaa (vee-who-car)

Shit = Ikhouti (eek-how-tea)

Bastard = Vihantätiha (vee-han-tie-tea-ha)

Wanker = Xhikätija (Zee-ky-tea-ya)

Bullshit = Vijukäkhouti (Vee-you-kyk-how-tea)

Motherfucker = Maatavihukaa (Mar-ta-vee-who-car)

Dickhead = Ijakähutaja (Ee-ya-ky-who-ta-ya)

Ohalika is so funny. She calls herself a 'Kijahuteja' (Key-ya-who-tay-ya), which is the Shirobian equivalent nutjob or nutcase. She calls me 'Änjelhaa vij Ejantohika' (Ein-yell-har Vee-yuh Ay-yan-toe-he-ka), meaning angel of perfect.

**13/4/02**

Jack is officially the world's biggest douchebag. He only bought his friend Raaj a pecan pie – and he's allergic to pecans! He totally forgot and he had to go to hospital because he didn't have his EpiPen. He was really annoyed with him at first but then he laughed at how forgetful he is. I wish I was more forgetful then I won't remember that painful day – 17th November 2000. The day I saw Jenni for the last time. She was only 10 days old. She'd be about 18 months old now. I still miss her.

**15/4/02**

Oh my God! Ohalika broke up with her manipulative asshole boyfriend! In 3 days it's 2 months until I'm 17! Stell finally cooked spag bol right! Everything is awesome! Even Ohalika's happy!

**26/4/02**

Sweet. Got me a new phone. It's a flip phone with camera. Unfortunately if you film with it, you have a silent film. It cost lots of money. I'm broke now. Ohalika likes it. She so jealous. Ha ha!

**13/5/02**

Ohalika and her mum had something important to tell us… they are going to move to Mantijk! They have bought a house in the Janvjkja suburbs. I'll miss her. She taught me a word in Shirobian though – ribujaoka (ree-boo-jay-o-ka) – which means laters (literally - later to you).

**19/5/02**

This isn't the greatest speech in the world. This is a tribute. Ms Vykaryon really entertained us with her speech on Priprachia High School conduct and rules. Really captivated the audience and engaged them. And yes I am being sarcastic. I don't an effing damn about respecting my elders. They should respect me a bit more often then maybe I'll comply. How dare that effing bitch call me personally to her office and rant at me about common sense like I'm a dumbass bitch! I am so pissed off right now. I'm fuming! Fuming!

Ohalika saw the funny side. But because I was really effing pissed off I snapped at her and now she isn't speaking to me. Good going, Elisa, good effing going. Now I can't make up with her because she's moving next week. Shit.

**24/5/02**

Ohalika is still mad at me. Her cousin Ahika told me that she said I was a stupid bitch who can't take a joke. That bitch! Ahika just told me to chillax and forget about it. I'm so pissed off at Ohalika now. Stell said that I should just leave it.

**30/5/02**

Jack is acting weirder than he has been over the past year or so around me. I don't get it.

**12/5/02**

Jack came up to me today and asked me if I want to go to Vyakochya Priyachyo (Chakanian Pizza Hut) on Saturday. I said yes.

**14/6/02**

4 days til my Sweet 18! OMG! Going to VP tomorrow. I think I like Jack. As in, love. WTF?

**19/6/02**

Yesterday. Was. Amazing!

Jack kissed me! I love him!

**A/N – I'M GONNA LEAVE AT THAT. CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO WRITE AND… I WANT TO LEAVE IT TO YOUR IMAGINATION WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!**


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